Weird Criminal Law Statistics

Weird Criminal Law Statistics

DISCLAIMER – A lawyer friend of mine shared with me the wisdom that this person learned over the years of their legal practice. The listed statistics are not scientific (and probably based upon emotion). The information does not relate to a particular Judge, Prosecutor, Police Department/officer, Probation Department/officer, Defense Attorney, Defendant, and it is not intended to do so. However these controversial ideas are certainly worthy of discussion.

1)    A police officer will claim to have a memory as to the identity of a perpetrator and the facts of an alleged crime 100% of the time, even if the arrest comes 5 or more years after the date of the alleged offense.

2)    A Defendant who claims to have a fiancé does not have a wedding date scheduled 99.9% of the time.

3)      98% of Defendants who claim that they lost their case because they had a Court appointed lawyer and not a “real lawyer” will blame any other failures in their life on “the system” and not because he or she might have a bad attitude.

4)      98% of police officers will complain to the Prosecutor or other police officers if he or she is called a liar by the Court even when he or she is lying. The Prosecution will usually retaliate on behalf of the police officer by refusing to have bench trials in front of that Judge in the future, and the police will retaliate by openly supporting another candidate if this accusation occurs close enough to the election.

5)      95% of Judges who will have a tendency to incarcerate a person for committing a particular type of offense will ask another Judge to not incarcerate a family member who is convicted of the same type of offense.

6)  95% of police officers believe that there is no such thing as a bad stop or a bad search.

7)   90% of prosecutors will claim to do “God’s work” even though 100% of Prosecutors (as do we all) fall short of Godliness.

8)      90% of prosecutors will support a police officer who he or she thinks or knows is lying and continue to prosecute an individual with the rationale that is up to the Judge or Jury to decide who is telling the truth (If the Judge determines the officer lied, the result is explained in number 4 above).

9)  90% of former Prosecutors who become Defense Attorneys will complain about not receiving a good enough deal for their clients from time to time, even though they regularly denied the same type of deal to other Defendants when they were Prosecutors.

10)  If a Defendant is extremely adamant as to the value of a piece of evidence, the receipt of that piece of evidence is likely to be damaging to the case 90% of the time.

11)   90% of Defense Attorneys that are former Prosecutors who were jerks when they were Prosecutors, will want to act friendly toward the defense bar and pretend like the past never happened.

12)   90% of persons who claim to smoke marijuana on a daily basis will claim that they can quit at any time. When the same person violates their probation for testing positive for marijuana 75% of the time he or she will claim the reason for it is being in the same room as someone else using marijuana.

13)   A handwritten letter in pencil from a prisoner to a Judge will start out “How are you? I am fine” 80% of the time (which isn’t true because the writer of the letter is incarcerated).

14)   80% of probation officers who are offered an early buy out from the state accept the early buy out because they are sick of their job.

15) 75% of Defendants that say to a Judge that “this is the last time you will ever see me again” will be seen by the same Judge again.

16)   75% of persons without job that are convicted of a crime that admit to daily drug use insist that they get their drugs from friends for free and do not pay for the drugs they use.

17)  Of persons accused of crimes involving multiple Defendants, 75% claim to be a look out to the crime rather than an active participant.

18)   70% of Defendants who ask the Judge for a break because they never received a break before received a break before.

19)   50% of the public will believe the word of the police officer over other witnesses just because the witness is a police officer, even when they are instructed by the Court not to do so.

20)   25% of clients that are mentally ill will become offended if you suggest that they seek help or medication for their mental illness. 80% of the clients that are just a little mentally ill will want to use mental illness as an excuse to try and influence the Judge to be lenient.

21)   10% of Defendants will thank their lawyer for the work that was well done on their behalf which leads to a good result or acquittal. A good number of the rest will not even appreciate the work done on their behalf.

22)   10% of Defendants who gain acquittal will be mad at their lawyer for no good reason or will not appreciate the work that was done on their behalf.

23) Many Criminal Defense lawyers think that it is better to wear a nice suit, drive a nice car, and have a rich looking office than to know and understand the law.

24)  1% of Court appointed clients will tell (not ask) their lawyer to file frivolous motions on their behalf with the rationale that they are paying their lawyer (even though the lawyer is paid by either the county or city in which the case presides).

25) The criminal law community is the only community that believes in the existence of  “clean urine”.

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